Ben’s Corner: Breaking Free from Apology — A Caregiver’s Guide to Authentic Communication

Hi again caregivers!

Lately, I’m thinking a lot about the ways that I use — actually, the ways I misuse — the whole concept of apologizing, especially in the context of care. This is at the front of my mind after spending some time recently in the dementia support groups that I’ve joined on Facebook.

It breaks my heart a little bit to see how often people apologize when they post in those groups, asking forgiveness for being human, having feelings, and expressing themselves authentically. I regularly read things like:

• I’m sorry I’m venting, but…

• I hate to burden everyone with this

• I know other people have it worse so I feel bad saying anything

• I feel so stupid, and I’m angry about feeling stupid, and I’m sorry about feeling angry, and I must be just awful

Because I’m a proud Word Nerd™️, let’s look at a little etymology. Did you know that the way we use the word “apology” today is the exact opposite of the original meaning? In Greek, an apologia was a speech in defense of one’s self that would be spoken in court when rejecting charges. One would offer an apologia when they were asserting that they had done no wrong!

Now, we use it to express regret and confess that we were in the wrong. What a fascinating shift.

Many of us have a complicated relationship with apologies, and it’s exacerbated by the pressures put on us by caregiving. I grew up apologizing for everything! First, it’s how my family operated. Second, my people-pleasing personality found it easier to proclaim my guilt and move on rather than asserting my own worth and opinions.

If I’m being honest, I think I use “sorry” like a get-out-of-jail free card so that I don’t have to risk being authentic. The really strange part of this is that not only am I pulling the rug out from under my own self-esteem, but I’m also invalidating their thoughts and feelings: rather than considering their statements or feelings and responding thoughtfully, I simply wave them off with a “sorry.” Now that is probably something I should actually apologize for.

Apologizing too much is my habit. Other people refuse to apologize, even when they really ought to. That’s a different kind of problem, but it usually has the same root purpose: refusing to apologize also keeps us from having to face our interactions in society with a balance of self-confidence and the ability to be pliable when working with others. It’s a different path to the same place.

If you tend to be more like me, apologizing for everything, I’d like us to engage in a challenge together. What if, just for this week, we don’t let the word “sorry” cross our lips unless it meets a very specific criterion spelled out by American journalist Mignon McLaughlin?

What if, this week, we didn’t apologize for consequences. That means:

• We won’t apologize for how our loved one negatively perceives our offers of assistance.

• We won’t apologize for having a feeling that we wish we didn’t have.

• We won’t apologize for being late to an event because, at the last minute, our loved one had a bathroom emergency.

• We won’t even apologize to family members for doing what we thought was right instead of taking their advice.

That’s a tall order, I know. Don’t worry, we don’t have to keep score. But if you look at all of the scenarios above, we don’t see anyone with bad motives who is trying to do harm. We see people doing their best. According to our “McLaughlin principle,” therefore, we don’t get to say sorry. Sure, there were some unfortunate consequences, but we aren’t apologizing for those this week because an apology for how something happened to turn out is hollow at best, insincere and insulting at worst.

Please note: that doesn’t mean we won’t listen and respond with compassion and courtesy. It just means we have to do it in ways that don’t use the word “sorry.”

As caregivers, we have a lot on our plates. I’m trying to spend less time feeling badly about things that are out of my control. When I regret my motive, I will be the first to apologize. However, I would like to carry the rest of my load more lightly than I have been: that means I need to stop carrying around all of that “sorry” that doesn’t do anyone any good.

I need to break the habit. Want to try it with me this week?

📰 The News Caregivers Need This Week 📰

Warms your heart:

• Man honors his father's caregiver with emotional speech at his funeral (Upworthy): a beautiful tribute that I’m glad has gone viral.

• “I made my comedy debut at a dementia talent show” (Alzheimer’s Society): inspiring!

Caregiver Resources in the News:

• What memory aids and tools could help a person who has dementia? (Alzheimer’s Society): suggestions for simple memory aids for your loved one.

• Neuropsychiatric Symptoms [NPS] Toolkit (AAPA): although the target audience for this is physician associates, I found the FAQs and articles presented here straightforward and helpful. NPS includes what we would often call “behaviors” in layman’s terms, and this covers a wide range of questions and answers that help a great deal.

• Case study highlights importance of “what matters most” discussions with older adults (McKnights): asking this simple question invites your loved one into the discussion of their own care.

Advice and Suggestions:

• My Stepsiblings Are Angry at Cost of My Mom’s Care (AARP): AARP offers some sage and validating advice in this response to a concern that comes up far too often.

• Explaining Alzheimer's to a child could be ongoing process. Allow open talks about disease (NOLA): how can we talk to a child about Alzheimer’s disease? This article has suggestions on where to begin.

🌟 Featured this Week: The Complete Behavior Bundle 🌟 

The Dementia Newsletter Book Club

This week’s recommendation draws on the deep wells of different spiritual traditions to help understand imperfection in a new light.

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