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Ben’s Corner: Active Listening, Uncomfortable Silences

In 2009, I felt like my life ended in a single night. My wife announced she was leaving me and I was a wreck. Unsure of what to do or who to call, I reached out to my clergyman, a catholic priest and Zen teacher named Pat Hawk.

Despite weekly formal, private meetings with Pat in the context of my Zen studies, we had never talked about anything so raw and intimate as this in the years I had known him. I was nervous to be seen in such a state by someone I admired.

When we sat down, I talked and talked and talked. For 45 minutes, he didn’t say a word but his attention never flagged. His listening was so intense and profound, in fact, that it felt like an almost physical presence in the room with us. I’ve never been able to adequately describe this encounter. Even 16 years later, the experience lives beyond words for me.

I had never, and have never again, been listened to so completely. My anger and depression and grief broke down in the presence of his full attention. Such was the power of his silence. It didn’t fix my problems or turn me into an enlightened guru, but it gave me space to breathe and that was a good start.

I have tried to make friends with silence since then. Most of us, me included, have internalized some unspoken rules (see what I did there?) about how and when we speak. We often feel compelled to respond, even when it’s not requested. We insert our voices at every opportunity. We say things that don’t fit, just to fill the space. Then we wonder why we said something “stupid” and start a whole new conversation in our heads that we can’t stop.

I think about this a lot when I’m talking with my mom and trying to communicate through the veil that Alzheimer’s disease has drawn between us. Even though I can’t always understand her, I can always listen. Often, she doesn’t need a response from me: she simply needs my presence as I hear her and validate.

My words have grown difficult for her to understand, too. Practically speaking, my chatter doesn’t add much to her enjoyment of the conversation. My silence, however, allows her to find her voice in those moments and experience our relationship in the way that she can.

In Chuck Palahniuk’s 1996 book Fight Club, he writes, "When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak." I’m trying to get better at really, really listening to my mom and all of the people I love. They deserve that. We all do.

I’m trying be silent and listen to the birds and the wind, too. When I stop talking, it’s interesting to see how much room there is for the rest of the world to speak to me. How much space can you make for your loved one with dementia by just being still?

Up Your Caregiving Game: Best Books for You

Pauline Boss offers a different kind of book for caregivers¹

Do you have a recommendation for suggested reading, watching, or listening? Send it to [email protected] and if I pick your suggestion I’ll credit you in the Dementia Newsletter that week.

About the author

1  I’m suggesting books through the Amazon “affiliate” program. This did NOT affect the choice of any particular book. These are my top picks for The Dementia Newsletter this week! If you pick up a copy of a book through this program, buying it through the link above helps to support the newsletter, and you still pay the same price. Happy reading!