I thought mom would hate me, but she thanked me

Mom thanked me for moving her to memory care: here's why

On Monday, January 6th, I orchestrated my mom’s move from Assisted Living to Memory Care. I’ve known it was coming for a long time, but on December 8th my mom tried elope from an Assisted Living building in the middle of the night with a packed suitcase. She had experienced an auditory hallucination and believed she heard men talking about coming to hurt her in the night. So she tried to take off through the front door of the building at 2am. Luckily, the doors were locked and a caregiver (to whom I will be forever grateful) saw her and was able to redirect her. However, the assisted living environment isn’t equipped for elopement risks, so the Program Director made it clear that it was time for memory care.

The problem was, they didn’t have an opening in memory care until January 6th, so I had almost a month to make sure mom was ok in her current situation while I stressed about how the move would go. I’ve documented that month below, as well as the move itself, in the hope that it might help others on this path.

My strategy was tailored to her personality, and it won’t be the same for anyone else. However, since my mom and I made it through this process, I’d like to help as many people as possible by sharing the story. These are the steps I took over the course of the month before the move:

1. I started by working with the program director in mom’s assisted living to ensure her safety from elopement until she moved.

2. I asked the nurse practitioner to test mom for a urinary tract infection (probably the most common cause for suddenly increased agitation) and requested an evaluation of her meds to see whether everything was as it should be.

3. I called friends in the business who had managed memory care programs to make sure they agreed that this memory care was a good fit for mom.

4. I spoke to the community’s Sales Director to figure out pricing, moving plans, and strategies for how to gently break the news to mom.

5. Her cat, Kermit, couldn’t go with her: I protested this, and lost. I know there are places that would allow it, but I feel strongly that this memory care community is the very best place for mom. And, if I’m being honest, she was getting to a spot where it was difficult for her to care for him. I made preparations to adopt him, and he’s been walking across my keyboard as I write.

6. I assembled a team of close friends who would assist in the move. You think someone is a good friend if they’ll help you move? That’s nothing compared to a friend who will help your mom with Alzheimer’s disease move.

7. I took pictures of her apartment in assisted living so that we could set up her new apartment the same way.

8. Two days before the move, when she still had no idea what was coming, I took her out to get some sandwiches and just spent time with her. When we got back, she smiled and told all of her friends that I was a good son. She gave the best hugs that day. I wondered if she would ever hug me like that again after the move. Would she still think I was a good son? Would she even talk to me?

9. I made an appointment with my therapist just before the move to talk out a lot of the emotions and finalize my strategy for “the conversation.”

That was everything leading up to moving day. I didn’t tell her before then because that would leave room for just two possibilities: if she remembered that she had to move, she’d get upset and stay upset for a month; if she forgot what I told her, I’d just have to keep upsetting her multiple times with the same information. Because people with Alzheimer’s disease live in the moment out of necessity, it’s often considered kindest at this stage to deliver this kind of information only once it becomes immediately relevant and not before.

Finally, moving day arrived. I had to coordinate the move, tell mom, and get her into her new environment. I’d like to think I would have made James Bond proud with the planning and top secret tactics! Here’s how the day went down.

Oceans 11, 12, 13… Just bring all of the oceans, ok?

I had three accomplices in “the heist.”

• Chava: my girlfriend and partner in crime

• Scottie: she’s my best friend, a great baker, and a cat whisperer

• Alonzo: my karate student for over 15 years (another fun fact about me is I’ve been doing martial arts for 40 years); Alonzo knows my mom well and is like a son to me

What follows is the schedule of a thrilling memory care move. (Cue Mission: Impossible theme)

The Timeline:

• 8:30am: all four of us met in the parking lot across the street to review assignments.

• 8:45am: Chava and I went to mom’s apartment in our separate cars while Alonzo and Scottie hung back so they wouldn’t be seen.

• By 8:55am, we had found my mom and told her that Chava and I were going to take her out for breakfast, but Chava was going to take her first in her car. I would catch up at the house so we could all go together. I told mom that I had to talk to the program director about something related to work.

• 9:00am: Remember that mom’s cat couldn’t go with her to memory care? That’s where my friend Scottie comes in. Once mom had left, I sent Scottie an “all clear” text and she came in to retrieve Kermit. Now remember that Chava was taking mom to our house, and Kermit was also going to our house, so Scottie had to hang out with the kitty for a while. Having mom cross paths with Kermit would have been disastrous.

• Also 9:00am: I stayed for about an hour to make sure things were in order, sign papers, and so on. Alonzo was put in charge of the rest of the moving so I could go be with mom and give her the news. I gave him all of the pictures and directions. I left at 10.

• 10:15am: I met Chava and mom at the house and we left for breakfast. As soon as we left, I sent Scottie a text that the house was clear and she could bring Kermit over to get him situated in his new home.

• 10:30am: breakfast at a lovely restaurant.

• Noon: dropping the bomb on the way back to the retirement community. I had been working on my pitch for a month and testing it with others. “Mom,” I said, “I know you’ve been really worried about those men who are threatening you [remember, reader, those were the bad guys she was escaping from when she made a run for it], and I’m really worried too. I want you to be safe, and I take it seriously. So I worked out a surprise for you. To solve the security problem, I’ve got it all set up so you can move the other building [not memory care!] because no one can get in or out without authorization. It’s much more secure and I know you’ll be safe. Plus, you like to help people and there are lots of people who need your help there. You can assist with activities and play piano for the church service on Sunday. Your closest friends from Assisted Living have moved there too. The movers have been working on this special gift for you all day, and Alonzo is even there directing the operation. He can’t wait to see you! They worked really hard to set it up just like your old room. Let’s check it out!”

  • Elements of the pitch:

    • Validating her concern and telling her I’m concerned too

    • Telling her it’s a surprise or a gift (rude to refuse)

    • The WHY: it’s secure, and that solves her biggest concern

    • The icing: you won’t be bored, you can help people, you can feel productive, and you already have friends there

    • It’s already done and aren’t you excited to see it!

She actually seemed thrilled. When we got there, she thanked everyone she could find. She even thanked the movers. Now this doesn’t mean that everything was completely smooth or that she didn’t feel anxiety and worry later — she did — but we made it through that major hurdle unscathed.

My mom’s experience — and mine — is just her experience. Every case is unique. I spent an entire month planning for every worst-case scenario I could think of. Even with all of the prep work I did, I was convinced my careful plans would fall apart until they didn’t. We can stack the deck in our favor, but we never really know how it’s going to go. My background and experience helped, and that’s why I want to share the story with you. But if a variable had changed — if mom had been having a bad day, for instance — it could have gone differently. I used every advantage I had, but luck was on my side too.

I didn’t mean for this article to be so long! However, as I wrote I kept thinking of more things that might, just might, help someone else. If you’ve got this move coming up, please know that even the experts are making it up as we go and hoping for the best because a lot of it is out of our control. We’re all doing what we can in a nearly impossible situation. I hope you give yourself credit for running this difficult race instead of running away. You really are making a difference.

Nature is out to get our loved ones (and maybe their caregivers)

The California wildfires have been absolutely vicious. In fact, I just donated to a GoFundMe campaign for a friend and his wife who escaped the fires with nothing but some family photos, the clothes they were wearing, and their lives.

For the purposes of a discussion about dementia, however, I want to go back to a groundbreaking study from 2024 that showed that exposure to wildfire smoke greatly increases the risk of being diagnosed with dementia. Check out this research summary for more information. Or, if you just want the short and sweet version of the measures that can reduce risk:

• Make sure your indoor air filtration system is updated and functioning well, and always keep the filters changed at proper intervals.

• Stay inside when outside air quality is unhealthy.

• Wear an N95 mask outside when the Air Quality Index reaches 100

“But Newsletter,” you ask, “how will I know if the air is unhealthy or the AQI reaches 100?” I’ve got you covered! Go to this article from the Western Fire Chiefs Association to learn about what the Air Quality Index is and to get lots more information about protecting yourself. Then go to this page to check the current Air Quality Index score for your location.

The Blizzards

On Sunday, January 5th, upstate New York (where I’m originally from) got over three feet of snow. Three feet. In one day. And much of the rest of the country was hit with a smaller — though still severe — version of that storm.

If you have a loved one with a tendency to wander or elope, these deadly conditions may have given you pause indeed. How best can we keep our loved ones safe? That’s where this article comes in handy. In brief:

• Be prepared for the weather. Check the forecast and always have appropriate gear ready for use.

• If your loved one goes outside with you, make sure the clothing matches the weather.

• Watch for slip hazards. Check the path yourself first when possible, and assume everything is slippery.

• Use every bit of daylight that you can to avoid decreased vision at night.

• Wandering is particularly dangerous, especially in the afternoon and evening when sundowning is prone to occur. Be on the lookout. (Shameless plug ahead: elumenEd has a training bundle that covers predicting and preventing wandering and elopement for just $4.95. It costs a lot less than the consequences of an elopement would. Just sayin’.) ;)

Thanks for reading!

It’s been another great week creating a newsletter for this amazing group of subscribers. I appreciate each of you, and I hope I can provide you with valuable information each time a new edition comes out.

Stay safe this week, especially if you’re in an area experiencing severe weather or environmental hazards like the fires. Keep on caring, and we’ll talk again next week!