Self-care Is a Racket

I’m not gonna lie: I get upset about the empty self-care platitudes that are told to caregivers: “You can’t care for others if you don’t care for yourself,” they say. “You have to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”

When my bipolar depression finally laid me so low that I almost didn’t survive, there was no oxygen mask. I simply didn’t know how to care for myself, and the easy answers weren’t working. Can you relate, caregiver?

So yes, it bugs me when someone implies that my mom’s Alzheimer’s disease wouldn’t affect me so much if I just bought a pottery wheel or took a trip to Ireland. Although they mean well, those people are making it sound like it should be so much easier than it is. They offer Band-Aids to fix the grief and exhaustion that have cut us to our marrow.

The thing is, so few people — even the “gurus” — understand what “self-care” really is.

Run a Google search for “self-care” and you’ll see the same lame suggestions, page after page after page. Here are ten common ideas being offered by organizations like the National Institute on Aging, Harvard Medical School, and virtually every other caregiver website on the planet.

1. Be kind to yourself

2. Practice breathing and meditation

3. Eat a healthy diet

4. Exercise

5. Reduce stress

6. Make time for yourself

7. Prioritize sleep

8. Try yoga or tai chi

9. Maintain social connections

10. Reach out for support when you need help

There are plenty of variations on these ideas, but it all amounts to the same thing: generic suggestions to do things we already know we should be doing. Thanks, Harvard.

The problem isn’t the activities themselves: they’re all fine things to do. The problem is our definition: we need to redefine self-care. It isn’t an event you can put on a calendar. It isn’t an activity that gives us a short burst of relief from sadness, depression, and exhaustion. If we want self-care that makes a real, long-term difference in our lives, it has to be hooked to skills we develop in our own minds and hearts.

If you’re in a place where you can’t go one more day feeling like you do, I’d like to share the practice of radical acceptance with you.

Radical acceptance is a crème de la crème concept in fields as far-ranging as psychology, addiction recovery, and spiritual practices. It means what it says: radically accepting everything about every situation without judgment, “should”s, or “why”s.

Hang on, I know what you’re thinking. Let me clarify: it doesn’t mean we approve of things as they are. It doesn’t mean we become passive blobs. Instead, when we see things clearly and accept what is, we can choose the best course of action to move forward.

This is difficult stuff. I have to choose it and practice it every day, and my reward for that is that my true self — the “me” that lives deeper than stress balls, quinoa, and dancing like no one is watching — is nourished and whole more often.

If this sounds intriguing, there’s an extensive course on this subject at elumenEd: click here to check out Beyond Bubble Baths | The Radical Acceptance Revolution. I go into a lot more detail on what radical acceptance is, and what it isn’t. We’ll talk about new skills to shape our interactions in the world, and you’ll get steps to start putting radical acceptance into your daily routine right away.

Are you up for it? It takes some work, but is it more work than the stress of carrying the whole world on your shoulders like you’re doing right now? If you’re struggling, I hope you’ll give it a try. If you don’t love it or it’s just not for you, I’ll refund you with no questions asked. But if you’re tired of the same old answers that don’t work, this $9.99 course is different, very different.

Check it out: Beyond Bubble Baths | The Radical Acceptance Revolution

Radical acceptance is how we redefine self-care to make it meaningful. It’s the ground we stand on when we stop chasing easy answers and commit to actually caring for your true Self. I hope you’ll join me on this path toward hope and peace, caregivers.

All the best,
Ben
Founder, elumened.com and The Dementia Newsletter