My Mom’s Move to Memory Care, or “If that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out”

Hi, I’m Ben and I’m the owner of elumenEd and author of The Dementia Newsletter. This is a more personal introduction this week, because the subject is more personal to me. Usually I offer commentary on critical links I send, and you’ll still get that down below. However, in early January my mom is finally moving into memory after a long journey from living in her own home, to living in a retirement community, and then moving to Assisted Living. Moves can be so difficult and draining, and I’d like to share my story along with important tips you can use to make moving day easier for everyone. If you’re stressed about a move for your loved one with dementia, I think this piece will have relatable experiences and some ideas you might not have thought of.

First, I want to note that every person’s journey with dementia is different, whether it’s the person experiencing it or the caregiver who is trying to assist. My experience will be different from yours, but you may find some common threads that help. I hope you do.

My mom moved to Assisted Living because she was becoming too confused to manage her own care. She wasn’t taking her medications reliably, and would sometimes isolate and become depressed. In the independent environment, there was no staff to check on her because - well - in Independent Living you’re supposed to be independent.

In Assisted Living, mom received the regular med checks she needed, socializing more appropriate to her needs, and a dedicated care staff who knew what to watch for and how to help. Several other residents in Assisted Living also had some early signs of dementia, so her needs were normal to caregivers there.

The watershed moment came a couple weeks ago when I woke up on a Sunday morning to a call from the community. My mom had packed a suitcase in the middle of the night and tried to leave the building because she thought that men were coming to kill her. She has been experiencing sundowning for a while (that’s increased agitation in the late afternoon and into the evening), but this level of paranoia and the attempt to leave the building were new. The building is locked at night, and caregivers found her and redirected her, but Assisted Living is not meant to keep people from eloping. The Program Director told me that mom now presented a risk to herself that they could not manage in Assisted Living. She has to move, and will soon call memory care her home.

Perhaps you can relate to my story: maybe you have gone through it, or maybe you will soon. I’m honestly dreading it, but there are some things that we can do to make it easier, and I’m rehearsing all of them in preparation. It’s so important to remember that everyone responds differently. Be ready to pivot at any moment. There may be hard emotions, for you and your loved one. However, we will all get through this. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Ideas for making it a better moving day:

• Consider whether your loved one needs to know beforehand: will they forget each time, only to have the negative experience over and over as you tell them again? It might not seem right to spring it on them the day of the move, but remember that the rules are different for people with dementia. No matter how many times you tell them, you might be springing it on them anyway.

• Plan beforehand for the new place:

  • Take pictures of the current living environment and try to reproduce that as much as possible in the new space to create a sense of familiarity.

  • Take measurements and figure out what can and cannot fit in the new place. Try to have the major decisions and choices made before the day of the move. Move confidently, and with a sense of purpose.

• On the day of the move, start in the morning when your loved one is fresh. Remember that people with dementia usually decline in cognitive ability throughout the day, so earlier is better.

• Keep lots of food and water on hand for everyone. It’s easy to forget nutrition and hydration on a busy day.

• If you can spare someone who your loved one trusts, let that person take them to breakfast or an activity. It will be easiest for them if they don’t have to be in the middle of moving chaos.

• If you can, hire professional movers. They will be fast and efficient, prevent damage, and get the new space in order quickly. Get a recommendation from the memory care community so that you can find a reputable, reliable mover.

• Model the behavior you hope to see. If you are loud and stressed and arguing with great aunt Beulah, your loved one will pick up on the vibe and may become agitated in turn.

• Have one person in charge. If a disagreement arises, that person decides. If it can’t be decided immediately, put the question aside for later. No disagreements in front of your loved one.

• On the day of the move, put on your superhero mask. Under the mask, you may be nervous, sad, frightened, or unsure. But it doesn’t show outside the mask. Moving day is the time for calm and confident action, because you need to inspire calm confidence in your loved one. When the task is done, Batman can turn back into Bruce Wayne, but the Bat Signal is on for all of moving day, and you’re the hero your loved on deserves.

I hope these tips help you. Heck, I hope they help me when the move happens in a couple weeks. Wish me luck, and I wish the same to you in your journey with your loved one.

Check out the video below for a quick recap.

Dementia Villages

One of the up-and-coming models of dementia care is the “Dementia Village.” This is a living model where residents live in a village-style atmosphere where they are able to move around in a small town environment, go to restaurants, and visit friends. Caregivers often live in the village as well. It hopes to mimic, as closely as possible, real and active life for seniors with dementia.

This is an exciting and unique new development in the memory care model of living. It seeks to provide those with dementia more access to the experiences of authentic life and the ability to participate in the daily activities that lend life meaning. Read more below!

• What is a Dementia Village? The Future of Dementia Care (lottie)

• As Cases Soar, ‘Dementia Villages’ Look Like the Future of Home Care (New York Times)

• These Dementia-Friendly Places Welcome Alzheimer's Patients (Kiplinger)

• Aging Japanese Village (LiveWell)

• Older article: 'Dementia towns': how Japan is evolving for its ageing population (The Guardian)

• Dutch town was built just for people with dementia and it helps uphold their sense of independence (theheartysoul.com)

• Villages, Town Square Day Care, and Smart Homes: New Models of Dementia Residences Around the World (UW Medicine)

Review: Netflix’s A Man on the Inside

Netflix description: A retired professor [Ted Danson] gets a new lease on life when a private investigator hires him to go undercover inside a San Francisco retirement home.

Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score: 95% | Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score: 92%
Dementia Newsletter Score (the most important one of all!): 5/5 stars

I wasn’t sure anything could top the last review I wrote for Thelma, but A Man on the Inside comes very, very close. Ted Danson’s performance is moving, funny, and vulnerable as his character enters a retirement community to investigate a stolen item and ends up reflecting on age, his wife’s death from Alzheimer’s disease, his relationship with his daughter, and what life looks like moving forward.

Having worked in retirement communities for two decades, I saw many “legit” touches that made it feel like it was written from direct experience. Danson’s character is wonderfully human, utterly funny, and just as much at the top of his game as he was in his masterful performance in The Good Place.

Charles (Danson) has retreated into newspaper clippings and solitude since his wife’s passing from Alzheimer’s disease. His daughter elicits a promise from him that he will pick up a hobby or activity, anything to get him out of the house. Having promised her he would, his penchant for newspaper clippings leads him to a classified ad for a private detective agency looking for “a man on the inside” of a retirement community. As Private Eye Julie (Lilah Richcreek Estrada) investigates a theft from a resident with Charles’ help, a tender and funny series of events unfolds!

This show has a lot of heart. There are serious and authentically sad moments, but they are balanced with happiness and humor. The casting is brilliant. Ultimately, it’s a beautiful presentation of a family’s journey through and beyond Alzheimer’s disease headed by Ted Danson’s pitch-perfect acting.

There are 8 episodes in season 1. Netflix has confirmed that Season 2 is on the way!

An elumenEd resource for you

Do you ever feel like you’re at the end of your rope with activities with your loved one? Maybe things feel old, stale, or forced? Are they bored? Are you bored?

This week, elumenEd published our newest no-cost guide, “50 Dementia Activities You Can Do Right Now!” There are 50 unique activities that are simple, interesting, and easy to get together quickly. Put some spark back into your time with your loved one. Try out 50 new activities today!

Signing off…

Thanks for reading The Dementia Newsletter, everyone. I hope you enjoy the happiest of holidays, and I’ll look forward to our next visit. Until then, keep calm and care on.